Puppy Ponderings

We are attempting to train the puppy so that it is slightly more user friendly. It is currently a little nippy and very naughty. Ben has taken an interest in the job and spoke to a friend who gave him some hot tips on how to get the dog to be a model citizen. He came home full of enthusiasm and sat us all down and discussed what it was we wanted from the dog. The three "S"s sounded good to me: "sit", "stay" and "stop being a pillock". My list is pretty close to what we are going with. He next told us that we were all going to have to work on these things with the dog if we wanted to have a well behaved dog. Unfortunately I could see the problem right there. My youngest child has still not mastered these behaviours, so how pray was he going to teach them to the dog. Emma has been very good at attempting what we have told her. She works on sit with the dog and rewarding Jack for good behaviour and ignoring her when she is not being good. The two of them get on really well. I often look out into the backyard and they will be sitting together, the dog on it's back, while Emma is singing to it. I'm not sure if the dog sees the singing as a reward or punishment but they seem to be getting along just fine. Alex on the other hand brings out the worst in the dog. He loves romping and rolling and getting the dog all worked up to the point where it is biting everything, including the walls, air, furniture and itself. One of Alex's friends from the street is autistic and so she just screams and flails whenever the dog is sighted, which just confuses poor Jack who thinks she is playing a fabulous new game. I should be greatful the dog is not a parot because not only is the girl screaming like a banshee and flailing around but she swears like a trooper. Wouldn't that be great? A badly behaved pet that swore at your visitors. People already think we are a bit odd. Imagine someone coming to visit to pick up a cake they have ordered and a parot screaming "f**king a**holes, polly wants a f**king cracker you c**t". Yes the neighbours child gets sent home immediately when she uses those words but you can't erase the words out of the minds of those that have heard them. Survival instinct is a wonderful thing. My kids see my lips resemble a letter box and know without asking never, ever to use those words.

I realise I may have digressed there. The dog is becoming much better behaved. It no longer bowls people over in an attempt to get inside. It doesn't lauch itself at the food bowl anymore. I am receiving less holes in my trousers and skin. It still poos more than should be possible for the amount of food we put in but you can't have everything. I've always wondered about that statement "you can't have everything". Why not? Does this apply to everyone, or just me? Has anyone ever turned to James Packer and said"Sorry mate, you can't have everything"

Things I have learnt this year

I know that it has only just begun but I feel I have already learnt some important lessons this year that need to be shared.

1. If you lock a frightened animal in the laundry while the fire works are going off you can be certain it will do the worlds largest poo just behind the door, so that when you open the door it will skim a poo rainbow across the floor. If you are not fast enough the dog will run straight through the poo and walk it all through the carpet.
2. Ice melts. If you leave a bag of ice in the esky overnight be certain there are no holes or cracks in the esky or you will have a puddle on your living room floor in the morning. The dog with the poo feet will walk through it. No it doesn't clean the feet, it just makes the poo go further.
3. When you are in a hurry changing the cat litter the bag you are tipping it into will have a great big hole in the bottom so that it all falls on the floor.
4. Rushing to get all the beer into the newly organised and iced esky will result in the dropping of a bottle, which will smash on the brick work where all the children will be walking with bare feet. Cleaning it up to ensure the safety of little feet takes a long time.
5. Dropping a cat on the dogs head results in the need for a lot of band-aids. (Alex discovered this one)
6. Angry cats like to get even by pooing on the bath mat. See point 5.
7. Dogs can balance on a boogie board, although they don't necessarily look happy while doing it.
8. If you flip a dog over you don't always get its gender correct. The girls also have bits sticking out in the nether regions.
9. If you try to make the name Jack female adding "ette" while being amusing for the first day stops being funny and is just pathetic after a while.
10. Once you have a puppy outside and cats in the house you can kiss goodbye the notion of ever having clean windows again.
11. Dogs can dirty up every square inch of reachable glass within half an hour.

That's all I can remember at the moment. Will let you know if I remember any more important lessons.

Dan xxx

stupid, stupid cat

It is one thing to sit and taunt the dog because you are inside and it is outside. I would put it to you that sitting on the dog food shelf amongst the dog food is just downright stupid.